Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and
see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and
see nothing but assholes.
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York
and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The
sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You
still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please,"
say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the
legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go
and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair,
please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff
says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can
make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you
do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside
down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been
working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the
day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you
going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a
prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he
proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and
neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the
guy in front of me, do you?"
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says,
“Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says
the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,”
and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman
and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The
policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little
girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on
it."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give
me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You
cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case,
give me MY money!"
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?
I can clearly see "you're" nuts....
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their
ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do
you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out
of the office?"
"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the
bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the
lawyer.
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A local United Way office realized that the organization
had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a
moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother
is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um,
no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began
to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my
sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising
in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The
humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give
any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army
Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As
the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and
then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a
lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found
four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of
them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's
no warning."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he
asked the second man.
"Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea."
"What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on
the light, I had already sh*t my pants."
Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients
they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are
alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All
their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers.
They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and
rear-ends are interchangeable.''
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