Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger
jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die
feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there
someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just
started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s
wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between
the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your
stance is far too wide.”
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
_____________________________________________________________________________
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did
you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when
they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a
big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm
going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear
insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it
is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy
biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real
talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing
suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the
kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars
run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful
young lady. "Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the
woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come
over to my house tonight?" “Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!" At Stacey’s
house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is
this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. "Is it your
husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your
boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She
says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies, "That's me before
my operation!"
A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between
potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his
family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She
responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send
you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!”
He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell
ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who
replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the
boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad
says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars.
Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”
There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was
run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial
conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of
jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop
staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward
him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young
woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what
the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition
for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman
five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my
house."
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