Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password
for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on
the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long
enough."
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my
mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school
today!'"
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
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Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.
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Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
Its More Fun In The Philippines!
10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the
father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised,
answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a
woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s,
they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like
onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you
cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom,
how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and
says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his
willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s
like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a
Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from
the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be
light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his
father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults
and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked
her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved
to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said,
"You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about
her side of the family."
Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian
plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a
Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family
when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and
Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their
bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the
daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby,
honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny
isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks
sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says,
"None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared
them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're
thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out
of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her
ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The
teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one
with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A young man and woman got married. At the time of their
marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal
box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the
wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered
into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a stroke
and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he
thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his
wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her
hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by
her side. "Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time." The
husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two
crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million
dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and
told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and
crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two
times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm
grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this
earth did you manage to get one million dollars?" "Oh, honey" said the
wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."
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Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is
asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The
asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps
off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This
is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black
guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all
my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a
whale swam up and sang, "We are family, even though you're fatter than
me."
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
A: She can't find the eleven.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
coloured pencils
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were
all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The
redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles,
drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The
blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
A: With a cowculator.
On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street
corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is
flying up over her face. An old man across the street sees her and runs
over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of
yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying
over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that
damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed." She looked at him
and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but
this hat is brand new."
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