A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny
isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks
sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says,
"None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared
them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're
thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out
of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her
ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The
teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one
with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said,
"Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to
her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?
A: So they can take bubble baths.
A: So they can take bubble baths.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband
is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her
that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed
potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week
later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked
great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes
later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor,
grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the
table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was
that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah,"
she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant
anyway."
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the
only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a
sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks
beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
XD XD XD XD
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers'
attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A
pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The
boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor
buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook
the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was
acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why
they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass
the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking
potatoes!"
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened
it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker
again!?
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
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Q: What kind of candy do Indians give out on Halloween?
A: Dots.
A: Dots.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a
sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda
yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his
dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and
leaves."
Q: Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
A: Neither have they.
A: Neither have they.
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed
to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and
it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying,
“Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a
decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever
since you got here.”
Q: Why don't Mexicans like to barbecue?
A: Because the beans fall through the grill.
A: Because the beans fall through the grill.
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