What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
A: "Put it on my bill."
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole
poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma
mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the
two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks
the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds,
"Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On
your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an
elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is
another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind
you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front
of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he
was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He
looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard,
"Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot
inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is
watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked,
"What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said,
"That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The
parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
A: A pork chop.
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.
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A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book
book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he
gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes
later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated,
saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants
another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another
book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken
comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it
almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the
librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the
librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something
weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the
park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily
pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit,
reddit."
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers'
attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A
pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The
boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor
buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook
the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was
acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why
they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass
the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking
potatoes!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same
tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw
the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every
trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the
middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding
the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was,
after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and
sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of
wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and
another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where
the heck is the boat?"
Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't a chicken.
Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
A: Bugs bunny.
A: Bugs bunny.
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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the
road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think
you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was
walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he
passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I
told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today
I'm taking him to the cinema."
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got
one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In
order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop
you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off
on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him
towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the
horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank
God!"
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.
coolwatters
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four
baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is
my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on
your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma,
why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal
fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks,
"Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when
you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks
over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up,
Cinderblock."
Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.
A: They have cotton balls.
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